Fairy Tales: Zelda Style!
by Crazy Chick
Summary: Normal fairy tales are dumb, but Zelda ones rock! Please review, I've never tried this b4 ~*Bleachedlocks and the 3 Morons added*~
1. Bleachedlocks and the Three Morons

Zelda-style Fairy Tales  
  
Bleachedlocks and the 3 Morons  
  
CC: I know this idea seems really stupid, but come on, at least read this! Every chapter is a separate story. Some follow the plotline really good, and some are loosely based on the story (like this one). This is Goldilocks and the 3 Bears, by the way.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda :( or fairy tales :)  
  
There was a house where 3 people lived. One was a Goron named Darunia, one was a Gerudo named Ganon, and the third was a Hylian named Link. The only thing they had in common was the fact that they were idiots.  
  
Link: I resent that!  
  
Fine then. They weren't idiots, they were morons.  
  
Link: That's better.  
  
()-.- Anyway, one morning outside of their cottage...  
  
Rauru: Oh no! I'm lost in this thick forest! Huh? Oh, I've found the address of the 3 morons! *knocks on door*  
  
Ganon: *opens door* Hi...person.  
  
Rauru: I'm Rauru, and I want to be a moron!  
  
Ganon: *looks at Rauru and his many rolls of flab* You're accepted.  
  
Rauru: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *walks in after struggling through the doorway*  
  
Darunia: Another member? There's only supposed to be 3 morons, but I guess we can accept you. We just made breakfast!  
  
Darunia had hot lava rocks on his plate, Link had scrambled cucco eggs, Ganondorf had old cucco meat and Rauru had a whole smorgasboard of separate foods.  
  
Everyone except Rauru: Oww! This food is hot!  
  
Link: How about we go for a long walk? Maybe the food will cool down!  
  
Everyone left right after except Rauru, who was finishing his food, gulped down some cool Lon Lon milk and ran after the other 3. Out of the forest, there was a little girl named Zelda. People called her Bleachedlocks because they accused her of having naturually brown hair, but Zelda really did have blonde hair and thought the name was stupid so no one called her that anymore. That day she ran into the forest and couldn't find her way back.  
  
Zelda: I'm lost! Where will I stay? Oh, there's a small cottage, maybe I'll stay there! *goes inside* Ooh, I'm hungry, what should I eat? *goes to Rauru's plate which has been licked clean* Eww! This plate is gross and crummy! *goes to Ganondorf's plate* Eww! This is old cucco meat for breakfast and red hairs on it! *goes to Darunia's plate with rocks* Why do I even bother? *goes to Link's plate* Mmmm, scrambled eggs! *eats food*  
  
After the big meal, Zelda was tired and had to sit down.  
  
Zelda: I need to sit down. *goes to Rauru's chair* Too plush! I'm practically sinking in this chair! *goes to Ganondorf's chair* Yuck, there's blood all over it! *goes to Darunia's chair* It's cracked and too hard! Well, duh, it's made of rocks! *goes to Link's chair* Just right! *the chair breaks* Uh oh. Well, I might as well sleep!  
  
Zelda proceeded upstairs and saw four beds.  
  
Zelda: *goes to Rauru's bed* Its unmade and has crumbs in it! *goes to Ganondorf's bed* Whoa, this bed is weird and has red hairs on it! *goes to Darunia's bed* Ow, its made of rocks! *goes to Link's bed* Just right. *goes to sleep*  
  
By now the 4 morons have gotten home. Big trouble...  
  
Link: That was refreshing!  
  
Rauru/Darunia: *panting* Speak for yourself! That was exhaustingly fast!  
  
Ganon: You two were going so slow! If you were any slower you'd be going backwards!  
  
Link: Me and Ganondorf had a good workout though, right?  
  
Ganon: I WAS going a little faster, though.  
  
Link: No way, I was much faster!  
  
Rauru and Darunia keep Link and Ganon from fighting, then go inside for breakfast.  
  
Rauru: Someone ate my breakfast!  
  
Link: You ate it before we left!  
  
Rauru: Oh.  
  
Ganon: Someone got my cucco meat hairy!  
  
Rauru: That's your hair.  
  
Ganon: Oh.  
  
Darunia: Someone got my rocks cold!  
  
Ganon: They're still warm!  
  
Darunia: Oh.  
  
Link: Rauru ate all my eggs! RAURUUUUUUUUUU!  
  
Rauru: I did?  
  
Link: I need to sit down after that long walk!  
  
Rauru: Someone dented my plush chair!  
  
Link: It wouldn't have dented if it weren't so plush and you weren't so fat!  
  
Rauru: Oh.  
  
Ganon: Someone got my chair bloody!  
  
Rauru: You sat in it after Link and you fought.  
  
Ganon: Oh.  
  
Darunia: Hey, someone cracked my chair!  
  
Ganon: It was already cracked.  
  
Darunia: Oh.  
  
Link: Hey, Rauru broke my chair! RAURUUUUUUUUUU!  
  
Rauru: I did?  
  
Link: This sucks. I need to sleep. *everyone goes upstairs*  
  
Rauru: My bed is crummy and unmade!  
  
Link: That's because you eat in bed and never make it up!  
  
Rauru: Oh.  
  
Ganon: Hey, my bed is hairy!  
  
Rauru: That's because you got your own hair all over it.  
  
Ganon: Oh.  
  
Darunia: Hey, my bed is hard and cold!  
  
Ganon: That's because it's made of rocks!  
  
Darunia: Oh.  
  
Link: Good, Rauru didn't ruin my bed. Hey, someone's in my bed, and there she is now!  
  
Ganon: Duh.  
  
Rauru: Hey, that's my granddaughter!  
  
Link: Rauru, you put your granddaughter in my bed! RAURUUUUUUUUUU!  
  
Rauru: I did?  
  
Zelda: *wakes up* Why did you wa-AGHHHHH! Who are you people? *dashes out of bed, but Rauru is blocking the doorway*  
  
Link: How would you like to become a moron?  
  
Zelda: There's only room for 4...  
  
Link: I have a solution. There's only one person here who should be kicked out. He: 1. Ate my breakfast 2. Broke my chair 3. Let his granddaughter stay in my bed!  
  
Zelda: *turns red*  
  
Rauru: *confused look on his face*  
  
Link: Get lost, Rauru!  
  
Rauru: *struggles out door outside* I'm lost!  
  
The 4 morons lived happily ever after, and no one knows where Rauru has been ever since. THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
End of story  
  
CC: Was that bad? I need reviews! Sorry if it's bad, I just wanted to try this out. 


	2. Cinderfella

Zelda-style Fairy Tales  
  
Cinderfella  
  
CC: Finally, a new chapter story thingie! I know I'm loosing my funny touch, but come on, this can't be too bad! And this is Cinderella. But u already knew that, didn't you?  
  
Disclaimer: I'm bored of saying "I don't own Zelda".  
  
CC: Cool, we could use a new member in our cast!  
  
Disclaimer: Coolies! Who am I?  
  
CC: We only have one spot left...as the evil stepSISTER!  
  
Disclaimer: NOOOOOOOO! *grabs sheet from crazy chick* Liar! They're stepbrothers and they're already got actors!  
  
CC: Fine then, I'll give you a different role...So here goes!  
  
There was once a rich little boy [that sounds funny] who had rich parents who lived in a rich house who ate rich food but they weren't fat. The kid's name was Link.  
  
Link: I can't believe I'm nicknamed 'Cinderfella'...honestly, how gay! Huh, we've started already??????  
  
Yeah, didn't you notice?  
  
Link: Was I supposed to?  
  
Never mind. So his mom died and his dad got married to an old ugly stepmother who had two sons.  
  
Ganondorf: I can NOT believe I'm a stepmother...this is depressing...  
  
I picked you to be the stepmother cuz ya look like one!  
  
Cast members: OH BURN!  
  
Ganondorf: That burn was cold!  
  
How true. I'm gonna get you with a good one someday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, Link's new stepbrothers were named Mido and Darunia.  
  
Link: I get bossed around by these two fags?  
  
Cast members: OH BURN!  
  
Shut up Link you're giving away the whole story!  
  
Link: Everyone already knows this story!  
  
True. So lets get on with this! So the dad, whoever that is, um, dies. Link was a total do-gooder so he got tormented by his stepfamily.  
  
Darunia: Do my chores, servant boy!  
  
Mido: No do mine!  
  
Ganondorf: I can't believe I'm a stepmother-I mean go make me dinner!  
  
Link: Um, PASS!  
  
Link, that's not in the script!  
  
Link: I mean, I will do whatever you want, master. :P  
  
Ganondorf: That's more like it! ^_^ Yikes, I'm making girly faces! I'm turning into a fag!  
  
Mido: I thought you already were one!  
  
Cast members: OH BURN!  
  
Ganondorf: Well at least I...uh...I'm gonna getcha!  
  
Mido: Bring it on!  
  
Shut up peeps! So, Link was cleaning up the cinders-  
  
Link: I was?  
  
Yeah. So Link was cleaning up the cinders and his stepsisters-I mean brothers started to tease him.  
  
Mido: Um, look at that servant boy cleaning up cinders!  
  
Darunia: We should call him Cinderlink!  
  
It's Cinderfella, not Cinderlink!  
  
Darunia: Yeah, Cinderlink-I mean Cinderfella. :( Acting is a hard business.  
  
Deal with it! So anyway, over at Hyrule castle, the royal princess was being annoyed by her dumb bodyguard.  
  
Impa: Hey Zelda!  
  
Zelda: That's the Royal High [not that way, stupid!] Highnessness Majestic Princess Zeldareldainiachunkybuttninioturkishandporkishmaniamhammytaroprincesschica to you fatpants!  
  
Cast members: OH BURN!  
  
Impa: Fatpants?  
  
Zelda: I dunno. So what were you saying?  
  
Impa: You should get married.  
  
Zelda: Why?  
  
Impa: Cuz its in the script.  
  
Zelda: OK, works for me. How do I get married?  
  
Impa: Have you ever read Cinderella?  
  
Zelda: Was I supposed to?  
  
Impa: *gasps* You didn't do your homework! You have a DT on Monday!  
  
Zelda: Darn...  
  
Disclaimer: Yay I'm in da show!  
  
Zelda: What do you want?  
  
Disclaimer: How about you have a ball tomorrow and you can pick your lovable hubby there?  
  
Zelda: I don't want a ball! I've got tons of nice bouncy ones in the basement! Basketballs I mean. You people are pervs!  
  
Disclaimer: Dummy. I'm gonna set it for tomorrow at 8:00 and sent out invites. Wish me luck!  
  
Zelda: No thanks. But I still don't get this ball thing!  
  
With the Cinderfella and the rest of the family...  
  
*DING DONG!!!*  
  
Mido: Um, Rauru, what's up with the sound effects?  
  
Rauru: *backstage* SHHHHHHH!  
  
Malon: I'll give the house a musical doorbell then! *starts to sing Epona's Song in a doorbellish sorta way*  
  
Darunia: I'm answering the door!  
  
Mido: No I am!  
  
Ganondorf: I can't believe I'm a stepmother...  
  
Everyone: DEAL WITH IT!  
  
Cinderfella: I'll get it cuz I'm the servant boy.  
  
Don't be so obvious Link-er, Cinderfella!  
  
Cinderfella: Look who's talking! *answers door, sees its the disclaimer*  
  
Disclaimer: Hi whats up? I don't own Zelda HEHE!  
  
Cinderfella: Um, can I close the door now?  
  
Disclaimer: How rude! Anyway, you are invited to her Royal High [not that way, stupid!] Highnessness Majestic Princess Zeldareldainiachunkybuttninioturkishandporkishmaniamhammytaroprincesschica who-  
  
At the mention of the princess, the two stepbrothers shove Cinderfella to the side.  
  
Disclaimer: Uh, as I was saying-you are invited to a ball at the Hyrule Castle tomorrow at 8:00 PM where she will pick a future husband!  
  
Mido: She will pick me!  
  
Darunia: No she'll pick me!  
  
Disclaimer: *whispers to Link* I highly doubt she'll want to pick either of them...  
  
Cast members: OH BURN!  
  
Mido: What was it? I didn't catch that! :(  
  
So the annoying disclaimer guy leaves and Cinderfella decides to go to Kokiri forest and meet his best friend Saria.  
  
Cinderfella: Saria you there?  
  
Saria answers the door...  
  
Saria: Whoa crap what happened to you since the past year?  
  
Cinderfella: I know dumb stepbrothers...:( so I'm going to the princess's ball can you sew me up some fancy threads?  
  
Saria: You bet! Hang on a sec...*using Sage powers, creates a fancy lil outfit in a second* Here ya go!  
  
Cinderfella: Coolies! *throws it on and decides to show it off in his brothers' faces*  
  
Mido/Darunia: Where'd you get those designer clothes?  
  
Cinderfella: They're designer?  
  
Mido: You can't wear em so too bad! *Mido and Darunia tackle Cinderfella until they're total rags*  
  
Darunia: Our work is done. *runs off*  
  
So, Cinderfella goes out to the garden and starts smashing up his stepmother's prize plants in fury. Why? Cuz it's in da script. Then suddenly, Rauru appears, wearing-I think you should sit down for this and brace yourself-a glittery pink robe, a magical wand, pretty shoes and a curly blonde wig!  
  
Cinderfella: AGH!!!!! *faints in horror*  
  
Rauru: What's my line again?  
  
Saria: *starts singing 'What's My Age Again' by Blink-182 but says 'line' instead of 'age'* I love this song!  
  
Um, I think you're supposed to go.  
  
Saria: Fine then! *leaves*  
  
20 minutes later, Cinderfella wakes up again.  
  
Cinderfella: Huh where am I? And who are you fat man? Some kind of cross- dresser? What's with the smashed up plants and the totally fake background?  
  
Hey Link, we're doing a fanfic, remember?  
  
Cinderfella: Oh yeah!  
  
Rauru: I am the fairy godmother!  
  
Cinderfella: Duh.  
  
Rauru: Lets make this quick, I'll give you more fancy threads, cool car, awesome chaffeur, radical horses-  
  
Cinderfella: Um, horses?  
  
Rauru: Skip the horses. Now I'll snap my fingers and you'll get everything you want! *snaps fingers*  
  
Nothing happens.  
  
Rauru: *whispers* Sound effects crew!  
  
Sound effects person: OK, I'm awake!  
  
Rauru: *snaps fingers again*  
  
A limo shows up, Ruto's the chaffeur, and Link's wearing baggy pants, baggy shirt and has spiky hair (he FINALLY left the tights and skirt!)  
  
Cinderfella: Um, I thought you said 'awesome chaffeur'.  
  
Rauru: The rest of the characters were taken.  
  
Cinderfella: What about the shoes?  
  
Rauru: Oh there are none in your size, so I have a better option! *snaps fingers*  
  
Cinderfella: A sword? Didn't I already have one?  
  
Rauru: Cinderfella didn't! So now you're Link and no one can call you Cinderfella again! Cya! *disappears*  
  
Link: Didn't he forget the whole midnight thing? Oh well, at least I read cinderella before! *crosses fingers* Lets hope Malon or Zelda didn't hear that...  
  
Zelda/Malon: *snickering backstage*  
  
So Link gets in the car and Ruto drives down to the castle.  
  
Ruto: Ya sure you don't want to marry the princess?  
  
Link: Why? I don't even know her!  
  
Ruto: Maybe you'd like to marry me instead...  
  
Link: Unless they were drunk, I doubt anyone would!  
  
Cast members: OH BURN!  
  
Ruto: SHUT UP!  
  
Link: Don't tell me to shut up!  
  
Ruto: -_-  
  
Link: Don't look off the road!  
  
Sadly (or is it?) Ruto swerves off the road. Link jumps out and Ruto is still in the car and falls down a huge cliff. Too bad, Ruto fans.  
  
Link: Thank god, I'm close to the castle!  
  
So Link, um, walks to the castle. Wait a second, Ruto wasn't supposed to die in the script! Well, I guess it's for the best. Hehe ^_^  
  
Inside the castle...  
  
Zelda: *yawns* Goddesses, this is soooo boring. I need to find someone-or something different!  
  
Suddenly Link opens the large doors and everyone looks at Link and his futuristic (lol) threads. The whole place is quiet.  
  
Zelda: Um, that's different...  
  
Mido: *shoves Darunia outta the way* Wanna dance princess lady?  
  
Darunia: *knocks Mido across the room* Nah, wanna dance with me instead?  
  
Zelda: Um, NO!?!?!?!?!?  
  
Cast Members: OH BURN!  
  
Zelda: how is that even remotely a burn?  
  
For some reason all of a sudden, Epona comes crashing through the wall with Malon riding her, and Mario appears out of a warp pipe.  
  
Malon: Hey Zel what's up?  
  
Zelda: Uh, I'm kinda busy right now.  
  
Malon: What's going on? I am your best friend, right?  
  
Zelda: Yeah but I'm sort of in the middle of a ball right now...  
  
Malon: THIS? This is a total old ladie's party!  
  
Ganondorf: Ex-cuse me! Don't go dissing old ladies! Um, oops.  
  
Malon: Come on bring on the fun!  
  
Mario: Its-ah me, Mario Plumvinci-ah!  
  
Zelda: Cool. -_-  
  
All the chicks who happened to be in that room: Awesome, it's that hottie Mario! *there is a big group of girls around Mario. I don't know why they think Mario is hot...*  
  
All the guys: Darn no more chicks...lets surround Malon! *there is a big group of guys around Malon*  
  
Link: This is boring.  
  
Zelda: I'll say, no one is paying attention to me!  
  
Link: What did you say? I wasn't paying attention.  
  
Zelda: Funny.  
  
Link: I try...*takes out his sword to look at it but accidentally stabs the King of Hyrule with it when he (the king) walks in*  
  
King of Hyrule: Zelda, I made sandwi--*gets stabbed and falls to the ground*  
  
Zelda: DADDY!  
  
Suddenly the clock strikes 12...  
  
Link: Darn that was fast. Gotta go! *runs off*  
  
Zelda: *picks up sword* Someday little futuristic boy, I'm going to get you...*evil look*...and thank you for killing my mean stepdaddy!  
  
Wait, that wasn't in the script...  
  
Zelda: I'm going to make this my own personal soap opera! Deal with it!  
  
Soap opera? Ah whatever. When the clock strikes 12, Link is Cinderfella again. Eventually the stepfamily comes home.  
  
Darunia: Yo Cinderlink!  
  
Mido: Um, its Cinderfella.  
  
Darunia: Whatever. Did you see how princess Zelda was totally checking me out? She couldn't stop staring at me!  
  
Mido: You were sitting by the clock. For some reason she was obsessed with looking at it...like she had to go somewhere.  
  
Darunia: She played you like a fiddle! She was only pretending to look at the clock! What a dummy!  
  
Cast members: OH BURN!  
  
Ganondorf: OK then... Did you see that guy who looked all futuristic?  
  
Mido: Ya, awesome threads.  
  
Ganondorf: Umm, sure. Didn't he remind you of someone?  
  
Darunia: Uh, not really...or did he?  
  
Everyone gives Cinderfella a weird look, but he is saved by the bell.  
  
...  
  
Ahem, he is saved by the bell.  
  
*DING DONG*  
  
Ganondorf: That's better. Go answer it, Darunia.  
  
So, umm, Darunia answers the door. the disclaimer walks in.  
  
Disclaimer: Does anyone know where that little blonde boy with the spiky hair is? We're going to need fingerprint ID, since trying out shoes is SO last year!  
  
Ganondorf: *grabs Cinderfella, chucks him in the basement and locks the door*  
  
Cinderfella: Wow, there are lots of unknown species growing down here! Its like my own personal jungle I never had...  
  
Trust me, you do NOT want to see what's down there.  
  
Mido: Espeshully link!  
  
Cast Members: OH BURN!  
  
That wasn't really a burn but whatever...  
  
Disclaimer: *pretends to fingerprint mido by quickly blasting out of a Gold- Bond type bottle talcum powder on Mido's finger and causes everyone to choke on the powder*  
  
Mido: Can you do, um, you know, too? I kinda have diaper rash...  
  
Darunia: We did NOT need to hear that!  
  
Disclaimer: *takes a piece of Saran wrap made to look like tape, then *sticks* it on black paper* Nope, you aint the killer.  
  
Mido: Is that good or bad?  
  
Disclaimer: I talked with the princess but she wasn't exactly thinking clearly so I have no idea.  
  
Link: *from basement* Oh, THATS where my stash of hard lemonade is!  
  
What hard lemonade? Why wasnt the princess thinking straight? Were you guys doing something while I was gone?  
  
Everyone: *turns red*  
  
Disclaimer: I'll fingerprint the guy in the basement then!  
  
Darunia: What about me?  
  
Disclaimer: What ABOUT you? This is getting too long!  
  
So the disclaimer opens the basement door after tackling Ganondorf to the ground.  
  
Disclaimer: Wow, there are lots of unknown species growing down here! Its like my own personal jungle I never had...  
  
Link: Nope, I have dibs on it, dude.  
  
Disclaimer: Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaay, bring on the talcum powder! *accidently drops it. The disclaimer steps on it and sprays talcum powder ALL OVER the basement, killing whatever species lived down there*  
  
Link: NOOOOOOOOOOO! My jungle of unknown species!  
  
Disclaimer: big loss. *fingerprints Link* yup, all signs are positive. Negative. I don't know which one means its right...anywho Zelda wants to talk with you.  
  
Mido: Clock-watching Zelda?  
  
Darunia: Darunia-watching Zelda?  
  
Ganondorf: Future daughter-in-law Zelda?  
  
Link: Anywho?  
  
Disclaimer: Yup. Come with me, whatever-your-name-is.  
  
Zelda: *calls out* Thats Royal High [not that way, stupid!] Highnessness Majestic Princess Zeldareldainiachunkybuttninioturkishandporkishmaniamhammytaroprincesschica to you...anywho...  
  
So Zelda and Link have a nice little talk about the killing of the King of Hyrule...then Link leaves.  
  
What? Thats it?  
  
Malon: Weren't they supposed to get married?  
  
Ya, but hey, those endings are always so corny! So Royal High [not that way, stupid!] Highnessness Majestic Princess Zeldareldainiachunkybuttninioturkishandporkishmaniamhammytaroprincesschica and Link were best friends but they didn't marry cuz, really, who DOES marry at the age of 17 unless its cuz of, you know, like, issues about, stuff...or if you want to marry at the age of 17 if its legal which I'm not sure but I should just shut up now. Start the cheesy 'end of fairy tale' music!  
  
*starts cheesy 'end of fairy tale' music* THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Poll: Which fairy tale should I do next?  
  
A) Jack and the Beanstalk B) 3 Lil Piggies ^_^ C) Rapunzel D) Lil Mermaid -_- sorry I disliked the movie when I was 5 and I still do now! E) Aladdin or however u spell it F) Whatever other fairy tales there are, but put in the name! Thanx  
  
oh ya, I dislike thumbelina 2 specially the freaky beetle guy, frog and the mole dude scary O.O  
  
Aynd of shtoreh aka end of story  
  
CC: Did that suck even more! I know it was longer, but if it was good, bad, happy, sad, mad, glad, dad (dont ask), cheerful, depressing, funny, serious, or insanely, dementedly, psychoticly, crazily, psychopathically, senselessly, absurdly, ridiculously (yowza I spelled it right!) and all- around weirdly normal, please let me know with a REVIEWWWWWW!!!!@@@@####$$$$%%%%^^^^&&&&****(((())))~~~~ oh ya 


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